Sunday, June 6, 2010

Episode II: Attack of the Yaaaaaaaaaaawwwwn

When I was in high school, I took four years of French. During this time, I was forced to watch several French films. Let me tell you, when people make fun of foreign films, they really mean French films. Most movies that have been made in France are ridiculously boring and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. What does this have to do with Star Wars, you ask? If you've seen Episode II, you don't need to ask that question. I have only fallen asleep in a movie theater once, and it was during this film. It might as well have been in a different language, like French, with no subtitles.

With this movie, I chose not to go on opening night. Instead, I waited about two weeks so I could hear what other nerds had to say about it. I remember someone telling me, "It's not nearly as bad as the first one." This is a true statement. "Getting mauled by a grizzly bear isn't nearly as bad as getting mauled by eight grizzly bears" is also true. Lesson to be learned: Just because something isn't bad doesn't necessarily mean that it's good.

Still, my inner dork yearned to see this movie, and eventually convinced me to go. I'm going to try to keep this blog shorter because there's really not much to say, nothing really happened in this movie. These are just a few things that I can try to make funny.

Ah, the 'drug dealer'. Why is he selling death sticks? I'm not exactly sure if death sticks are cigarettes, doobies, or syringes of space-heroin, but seriously, take a marketing class at Space Community College. Wouldn't you want to call them happy sticks? Or maybe wands of joy? You'd probably sell more.

Please allow me to set the record straight. Boba Fett is not a clone. There is only one Boba Fett, and his name isn't Jango (it's Jaster). He isn't just some clone that Jango Fett decided to raise as himself (this is not a typo, read it carefully). Let me clear up another common misconception. Jango Fett is not Austrailian, he's from New Zealand. If you call a New Zealander an Austrailian, you're going to get punched in the mouth.

I don't know what that little green thing jumping around all willy-nilly is, but it isn't Yoda. Yoda is no longer a puppet, and never will be again (sort of). Chronologically, Yoda is a puppet, then he isn't, then he is again. Weird. I have a another Yoda related question. In the prequels, Yoda is very wise and sage-like, as well as an accomplished ninja-monkey. In the originals, he's crazy and can barely walk. What happened? I have a theory. Shortly after arriving on Dagobah, Yoda suffered a massive blow to the head caused by some bogbat poop falling from the sky at terminal velocity. He was in a coma for six months, and with no one there to care for him, he lost all of his ninja-monkey skills and most of his ambulatory skills. It was also during this coma that he turned back into a puppet. As for his craziness, you'd go insane too if you spent twenty years alone on a planet made entirely of swamp.

Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman have the same amount of romantic chemistry as Ray Romano and a potato. It actually causes me physical pain to watch it. On a related note, there is a very good reason why two actors have no sexual energy on screen. It's because they use all of it up off screen. I am in no way implying anything about Ray and his potato.

One last thing: Mr. Lucas? You seem to forcefully insist that almost everything be computer graphics? Why, then, did you choose not to use CGI when Anakin got his arm cut off? Hmmm, I wonder what that big bulge in his shirt is? It just appeared right after his arm got cut off! The same thing goes for that robot arm he has at his wedding. I had a toy that looked just like that when I was a kid.

If you have never seen this movie, try to keep it that way. But, I guess if you've never seen it, this post was ridiculously boring and made absolutely no sense whatsoever. Kind of like a French film.

Join me again tomorrow for the amazing story of how I still didn't learn my lesson and went back for even more punishment three years later.

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