Tuesday, June 1, 2010

"Dungeons and Dragons" is pure evil

Sarcasm is a wonderful thing, isn't it?

Let me begin by saying that I have been a nerd for most of my life. I began playing D&D almost 15 years ago, and I still can't believe that it's considered evil in some circles. Seriously, uninformed people making massive generalizations is one thing I really can't stand. So for those of you that still think D&D is "The Devil's Game," let me inform you a little.

There are two main components of D&D, the first of which is imagination. I've never heard anyone say, "Imagination is evil." We all played pretend when we were kids, every single one of us. I think it's pretty safe to say that when we were four, no one told us, "You are not a pterodactyl. Now go get a job." Even as adults, most people read books, watch movies, or do any number of activities to get away from the real world for awhile. As far as I know, books are not evil. Movies are not evil (except maybe the kind that say XXX on the cover, but that's a topic for another time). So imagination is not evil, right?

The second component of D&D is math. Is math evil? According to our nation's test scores, yes. But most of you would agree with me in saying that math is not, in fact, evil. Every single action you make in D&D is based on an algebraic equation. For example:

"I want to attack the giant spider."

Ok, roll a twenty sided die. We'll call the result (x). We add this to your base attack bonus (y), and any other bonuses you receive (z). Now, the spider has an Armor Class, which is another string of variables. Natural armor (a), size modifier (b), Dexterity modifier (c), and possibly others. So, in the simplest terms:

If x+y+z>a+b+c, you hit the spider.

If x+y+z<a+b+c, you miss.

Simple, right? I can see by the looks on some of your faces that you don't like algebra, but just because you don't like something, that doesn't make it evil!

Now, there are some people who will tell you that there is more to D&D than math and imagination. This game encourages devil-worship, witchcraft, and homosexuality (I don't know how that last one fits in. I guess I've been playing with the wrong people). Dungeons and Dragons will make you murder your friends and commit suicide. This is all nonsense. D&D is a game. It's like committing suicide because you fall into debt playing Monopoly, or because you don't have any children at the end of a game of Life. Would you kill someone because they sunk your Battleship? No, you wouldn't (I hope). The real problem lies in behavioral disorders. Schizophrenics should not play D&D.

If you have trouble differentiating between fantasy and reality, then D&D is not for you. However, hopefully someone will have noticed these problems and gotten you some help before you're 12 or 13 (when most people start to play). Like I have previously stated, there is a lot of algebra involved in D&D, and I don't know many six year olds that know about variables.

I love math, and I love my imagination. If that makes me evil, then I'll see you in Hell!


  1. "Is math evil? According to our nation's test scores, yes."


  2. Save me a seat, because I'll be taking a ride on the bus right with you. I've never understood why D&D was considered evil. Because it contains ghosts and demons and stuff? What do you think the players are killing?! Are they saying that killing evil is in itself evil?

  3. I hear that they're working on 5th ed. 4th ed. only came out in 2008. That's pretty evil.

  4. I heard that 5th ed. is just a subscription to WoW. Give me THAC0 or give me death!!!